Well, at ministry night tonight I “got wrecked,” to use the Christianese phraseology. The phrase describing that state you sometimes end up in where you’re just ugly sobbing on the ground. Yeah. Super fun. (Side note: anywhere else in the world, a girl sobbing on the ground would either send people running in the other direction or have them rushing over to see what’s wrong. At YWAM, par for the course. Oh! Holy Spirit must be working! lol)
It was one of those times when you’re just done. The same thing that’s been attacking for years and years just keeps attacking, and you’re trying with all your might to silence it and stand against it, but it just keeps coming and coming and coming and you finally can’t take it anymore and break down and give it to God cause you just can’t on your own. One of those moments. Frequently accompanied by the ugly sobbing. But those are awesome moments because you’re FINALLY DOING WHAT GOD WANTED YOU TO DO IN THE FIRST PLACE, and casting your cares on Him.
1 Peter 5: 7 (ESV)
7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
He tries to tell me these things. It usually takes me a while to carry it on my own for a bit, go to others, try every other thing I can possibly think of to figure it out, and then finally break down and give it to Him. Maybe I’ll get better at this? Hope so. Anyway, I’m straying from my point. So I was on the ground crying, and Amy Ward (the prophetic lady from lecture last week) was praying over the room that God is preparing us. He’s teaching us how to get our breakthrough. He’s teaching us how to renew our minds. He’s preparing us for the next, even bigger phase. I knew that those words were for me, and I was actually really excited! I was thinking “God, if you’re preparing me, do what you need to do! Bring on the next phase! I want to run with you!” I was also reminding myself of Romans 5:
Romans 5: 3 – 5 (ESV)
3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
All the tribulation I’m going through is building my character, building patient endurance, and eventually hope in my life. So I was crying, but actually started getting really joyful, because I knew that my character was getting built. And then something REALLY cool happened. God reminded me of the last time I was a mess like this.
The last time I can remember truly being at the end of my rope this way was about five years ago, when I was a Way Disciple. I was an emotional wreck, crying out to God to help me carry some things, but I distinctly remember thinking, “God, if this is preparation for something else, I want no part of it. This sucks.” Woah.
Sometimes as we walk with God, we don’t notice the little changes that are happening over time. I’ve been struggling with some things here that are still in my life from even before that time during Way Disciple and getting discouraged, thinking, “I’ve been struggling through this for years! I’m not even sure if I remember life without this struggle. I can’t even imagine myself being free of it. Will this just always be my life?” But God showed me today, NO! I am different. I am a resoundingly different person now than I was then. My heart has changed, praise the Lord! This gives me so much hope, and hope changes literally everything. I have changed. I will keep changing. I have grown. I will keep growing. I have moved closer to my Father. I will keep approaching Him. Hope.
But the best part of the night was right after I was reminded of my past response to tribulation. He showed me how I’ve changed and then whispered, “You responded correctly this time. Now we can really begin.” Yeah, God! LET’S DO THIS.