Guys, we’re gonna get really real here. This blog is basically my journal at the moment, so you’re going to see some of the nitty gritty.
Today we had a worship night to kick of F&F. Folks, it got CRAZY. There was dancing and cheering and waving of hands, and at least two or three people were slain in the spirit. Um. We are NOT in Kansas anymore. This sort of thing is WAY out of my comfort zone and frankly, it freaked me out. I was not ok with some of it. And I felt hypocritical by the end of it, having joined in with some of the dancing and waving just because everyone else was doing it. And to be honest, because I was slightly afraid that if I wasn’t acting involved enough someone would come try to “slay” me. Yikes. I walked home and decided I couldn’t go to bed in this state, so I went to the prayer room to have a chat with God about everything. And He was waiting for me.
I told Him I didn’t like this place and wasn’t sure what I was doing here and maybe should go home before someone gets hurt. I railed on Him for not being clear enough. How can so many people be seeking Him and yet come up with so many methods and answers for how to do things and what is acceptable and what’s His will? Is everyone else right and I need to change myself? Or has a culture carried some people away? What’s with all the crazy? And what about the people who were “slain” tonight? Are they ok? And how is it even possible to know something is truth? Everyone has a different take on the Bible. All of them profess to be prayerfully considering it, and honestly I can’t fully trust my own interpretation or that of others completely. In tears, I realized I couldn’t ask anyone because I didn’t trust anyone to have an unbiased take. The answers could only come from God, and I don’t really trust my hearing His voice yet.
And yet I’m sitting here writing this, perfectly peaceful. He told me to stay. I knew I wouldn’t leave after four days anyway haha. I don’t give up that easily! I made a commitment to be here, and it was with His input and wise council. This is where I need to be and it’s going to be hard and it’s going to stretch me, but I’m also going to LOVE it and grow in amazing and unexpected ways.
And He reminded me I don’t need to know the answers for everything. And that occasionally, there isn’t a right or wrong answer (although, of course, at times there is). To dance or not to dance? He LOVES it when people dance before Him. He LOVES it when people sing before Him. David, the man after His own heart danced and sang before Him, with all his heart.
2 Samuel 6:14,15 (ESV)
14 And David danced before the Lord with all his might. And David was wearing a linen ephod. 15 So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the Lord with shouting and with the sound of the horn.
But He also LOVES it when His people come and talk with Him quietly. Jesus did that, And Jesus is a pretty good example.
Mark 1:35 (ESV)
35 And rising very early in the morning, while it was still dark, he departed and went out to a desolate place, and there he prayed.
He reminded me why I’m here, not to seek esteem in the eyes of my leaders or my peers. Not to fit in. But to seek HIM. And if that means quietly praying while everyone around me dances and cheers, I have permission to do that, and He will delight in it. And if that means dancing my heart out and shouting worship songs at the top of my lungs, He will delight in it. As for the “slain” He soothed me. He will never ever let a child of His who is truly seeking Him come to harm. Whether I’ve misunderstood and it really was His doing (I really can’t believe a good Father would see fit to knock His children about as a sign of love…?), or whether they were somehow misled, He is big enough to take care of His own. And I have permission to look anyone in they eye and tell them to BACK OFF if I’m not comfortable. He will meet me and love me wherever I am.
So what am I to do? Seek HIM. Never mind anyone else. They don’t matter, really. Nestle in close with my Heavenly Father and let His rest and His peace be mine. Love HIM, continue to seek HIS Word and will. And in addition, this will be a season of my getting to know His Son better. I swear He showed me Him taking my hand and placing it in the hand of His Son. Time to walk with Christ now. Let him take the lead a bit. God is still my Father and I can come cry to Him and get His comfort any time, but Jesus Christ is my Lord, which means it is him I will be following and answering to. Holy wow. That kinda rocked my world a bit. But (and I love this bit), it checks out.
Romans 10:9 (ESV)
9 because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
Who is Lord? Jesus. I love to check what I think I’m hearing from God by the Word, just to make sure I’m not making things up. Or if I am, at least that they’re not harmful haha.
So. Big night. Do I like it here? Well…sometimes haha. The people are genuinely great, but the atmosphere is a bit much for me. I don’t know that I’ll ever really be comfortable with it. But it will get me out of my comfort zone and it will help me grow, and it will keep driving me to God. So that can’t be anything but a good thing.